Dear God, What Is Your Return Policy?

I wish life had a big giant pencil eraser and I could pink fuzzy you right off of my page and onto the floor. If I had three wishes, I would ask for more wishes and they would all involve erasing you off of my page and onto the floor. Dear God, Why do I fall for the numb nuts and ass clowns? I came up with what I though was a brilliant plan. Stay single, write about it and become rich and famous for being one of the few women that figured it all out. And then, well, then he came along. He dug into my mind and won me over with a somewhat southern accent and big freekin feet. Dear God, I do believe I failed at my self proclaimed mission. I wouldn't dare question you so I will instead ask for one favor. Could you please send a big giant pencil eraser so I could pink fuzzy him right off of my page and onto the floor? I don't ask for much.
We seemed pretty great as a "we" and he was easy to write about (although I never did come up with much while I was with him.) Still, he had me smiling and I often caught myself spinning (Singing In The Rain style) in knee-length eyelet dresses. Dear God, why am I such a geek? As much as I try, I always stumble back into my hopeless romantic phase that ends up being more bad habit and less constructive growth. I am who I am and the ME that I am falls for the tall ones with accents. Dear God, if you're running short on erasers, can you Fed-Ex a giant bucket of White-Out? What is your address anyway? I have some HEAVY LOAD characters that I haven't been able to return. Maybe they weren't addressed to me? Hey, maybe they came from the bad guy that lives way down South? That would make more sense. Anyway, please forward "RETURN TO SENDER" stamps and I won't ask for much else.
Warm weather is over and and so is hope for #7689 on my list of recruits. I hand out chances like weekend samples at Costco and they fail me every time. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results? Hi, I'm Bonkers, nice to meet you.
Dear God, why must I have a toxic affinity for bald heads and great suits? Or shiny cars and big talkers? Don't get me wrong, I also had a chance at a heavy-pocketed wee-little hobbit and that was not the business either. I just can't figure out why I can't find an eraser big enough to pink fuzzy these fools off of my page and onto the floor? Where is my White-Out?
Dear God,
You heard my cry and created something much more effective.
Thank you for CTL ALT DELETE.
It works much better.
Sincerely,
Your Hardheaded Prodgical Daughter