The Turned-Off Diet

Now that the holidays are over, Single men around the world are finally free to hunt without the pressure-filled gift-giving obligation. Christmas time was completely quiet around these parts. Not one date to a holiday party or invite to a random sports event...no phone calls, no surprise visits. No nothing. I admit I checked my phone several times to see if T-Mobile cut me off. But here comes January 2010. Week one, my little Blackberry was suddenly the hottest spot in town. My poor phone officially rung in the New Year with calls from male suitors from coast to coast. Any other day I would be flattered, but this year, I'm smarter. I'm not a Master of  every game by any means, but I know my stuff. Call me Milton-Bradley. So, just for giggles, I answered the calls. No use in keeping the ass clowns waiting. It rung, I answered. I was unimpressed.

First, there was the professional Athlete who assumed I would run to his beckoned call after one meaningless date last year. I guess some women are impressed by a man that spends more than half of his 1st year contract on diamonds for himself just to announce, He's arrived. I'll pass. The Brainiac quotes Family Guy and prides himself on indulging in hot wings and fresh marijuana served daily. Did I fail to mention the "Sup?" and "Hey Boo" texts? Seriously? Seriously?!?!?! We have to do better! I decided to keep his number around just in case I could use a huge laugh in the upcoming months. Hell, he is motivation for great writing material.

Next, there was the Inventor. He's much older, crazy successful, somewhat attractive (if I drink a little and close my good eye) and he's actually pretty funny. He called too; Well, kind of. I met him a  few weeks ago. We exchanged numbers, he asked me to dinner. He wasn't exactly my type but I figure that might just be the reason I'm still single. My type was obviously my biggest downfall. So here's to something new, right? So, the day before  my try-a-little-something -new dinner, this AARP card-holding idiot tried to reschedule via TEXT! Now that I think of it, every conversation we ever had was by text! No phone call, no flowers-filled apologies-just a damn text! What ever happened to the men that sung beneath our balconies and begged for  our company? Has Disney steered me wrong again? Whats wrong with these so-called men? I decided not to take this. I promptly called him all kind of stupids and kicked him to the curb. Who created texts? I'm sure it was a man, he's going down! Day 4-what a joke.